Spinning at 2:00 am

When you can’t sleep and your brain is spinning….

Last night I couldn’t sleep. (an unfortunate and constant challenge for me)  This happens to me for a million different reasons, but last night it was all about my mind spinning.  The sentences in my head had me worked up, the worries seemed to take charge and the more I tried to find sleep, the more elusive it became.  I tried all of my “go to” strategies: reading, Netflix, online shopping, snacking, hot bath, …  nothing seemed to work.

I was surprised when Peter stumbled into my office, where I was quietly surfing the internet. He wanted to know if he could help, which was so sweet, particularly when it was easy to see how tired he was.  But after being married for 41 years, he knows me.  He sees me.  He listens. I can pour out all of my legitimate fears and all of my completely irrational thoughts to him.  (at 2:00 am it is very hard to distinguish which are which)  He also knows what to say . . . the sentences that seem to let all the anxious air out of my head and allow me to relax.   His words are always kind, always loving, and usually a little funny.  In fact, it is that kind of support that has helped me to accomplish everything I have ever wanted in this life.  

I find that the spinning in my head that occasionally overtakes me is generally full of unfounded self judgment, worry and fear.  This morning, I’m wondering what would happen if I were to treat myself as Peter treats me?  To think of myself with more confidence and kindness.  To see the good, even in the mess.  What if the dialogue running through my head all day was from someone who loved me . . . all of me?  Who had my back no matter what?  Who cared enough to stumble in at 2:00 in the morning to see what was wrong and listen with love to whatever the noise is in my head?  I think I could be an incredible version of myself with that kind of internal support.  Could I treat myself with this level of love and support?

New goal for 2022:  Be more like Peter.